Section Thirteen
Hey, lookit all that Sue.
Ain’t she the bitter end?
Tying Up Loose Ends
This is the third section
devoted to Mary Sue plot staples.
These are the ways that she ends her fic nine out of ten times. Just because you end this way doesn’t
make you one, but more often than not, a Mary Sue fic will end like one of
these. These endings have been
used so much (and so badly) by so many people, that readers are down right sick
of them. As with most plot devices,
they can be used successfully, but one must be careful to avoid Mary
Sue-ness. If nothing else, you are
creative enough to think of an ending that hasn’t been used 50 million times!
1.
Does your character leave the school
amidst much cheering and crying? (+50)
This is really no biggie. Bring in a character and promptly
disposing of them at the end of the year is really quite common. Look at all the DADA teachers Hogwarts has
been through. It’s also a nice and
convenient way to wrap up your fic.
However, you might want to watch it and make sure that not EVERYONE is
SO SAD to see your character go.
If EVERYONE loves your character that much in your story, she may be a
Mary Sue, or at least borderline.
2.
Does your character return for an
encore in another fic? (+100)
Again, not a bad thing, but it
is considerably more dangerous.
Say you write a character, you like it, everyone else likes it, so you
write some more. Absolutely nothing
wrong with your character coming back in another fic. However, don’t write TOO much about her with every fic being
centered around what she is doing, with absolutely no mention of reality.
3.
Does your character return for six
more novel(la)-length fics (meaning does she go through all seven years)?
(+100)
This isn’t necessarily bad,
either. People like your
character, she’s a First Year, so why not send her through all seven? But please note that Mary Sue authors
are so very much in love with their characters that they write an OBSCENE
amount of fic about her! And when
we say OBSCENE, we mean REALLY offensive!
It’s BAD. Novella length
nonsense about every year, thirteen thousand asides about the thoughts of other
characters, both canon and original, about how GREAT she is, or about how MUCH
IN LOVE they are with her, or, in the case of the Scary Sues, HOW MUCH THEY
HATE HER!!! No. Don’t do this. More fic only leads to the character becoming
more entrenched in your psyche, and therefore much harder to remove from your
intestines.
In summary, we don’t mind if
you write seven fics—JK is writing seven books, after all. However, JK is well loved, has scores
of editors, and the most amazing writing ability. Only write those seven fics if you have yourself some good
and honest reviews, your own score of betas, and if your character is loved.
4.
Does your character return for more
than seven novel(la)-length fics? (+200)
Err…this is more obscene than
the previous. This is almost a
sure sign that you are completely wrapped up in your character. It’s one thing to write a long fic
revolving around your character.
It’s another to write seven huge fics about your character going through
Hogwarts. It’s another ANOTHER
thing when your character goes through all seven years at Hogwarts, then we
dedicate more huge fics to every event that happens in her life, along with a
few prequels, some asides, and then a few more fics dedicated to your character.
Please, keep the max number of
serious, long fics to seven if you must.
5.
Does your character die? (+50)
This is not bad. Again, another way to wrap up the
fic. And people die all the
time. It’s NORMAL. It’s PEACHY. But don’t overdo it.
Mr. DeMile is NOT here for your death scene.
6.
Does she die because she sacrifices herself
to save everyone else? (+100)
Nor is he here for your
close-up. This is painful,
overdone, and CLASSIC Mary Sue.
It’s just another way for your character to be SO BRAVE and NOBLE and
SELFLESS and all those words Dobby uses to describe Harry and Ron. And, as we all know, Dobby WORSHIPS
Harry, meaning if you do this, you might be worshipping your own abomination,
and that is just unhealthy.
7.
Does she die defeating her enemy?
(+200)
The bonus will be addressed
first, as it is easiest. HARRY IS
THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN DEFEAT VOLDEMORT!!!! IT’S CANON!!!
YOUR CHARACTER MAY NOT DEFEAT VOLDEMORT!!!!!
Now, onto the main
question. We’ve already said it’s
perfectly acceptable to have your character die. It is also perfectly acceptable to have her die while trying
to defeat the main antagonist of the story. However, this question is high because so many Sue author’s
love to use this as a way to lead into the next two questions—and, as they
explain everything very nicely, just read on and find out why this is high.
8.
Is her death accompanied by great
mourning by ALL the canon characters? (+300)
This makes all readers want to
join in synchronized vomiting. How
STUPID can one fic get? BAD ENOUGH
we have to endure a torturously drawn out death scene, but THEN you add insult
to injury by forcing us to slog through the ENTIRE cast of the HP universe
wailing and beating their breasts.
As established before, NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO LIKE YOUR CHARACTER!!! And would it seem in character for
Harry, Malfoy, Ron, and Snape to all be bawling on each other as your character
is cremated? NO. It’s NOT.
9.
Does she miraculously come back to
life amidst great rejoicing? (+500)
NO. BAD SUE. As established
in canon, THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN.
Except for about fifty million other Mary Sues who have. Just…leave coming back to life out of
the picture, okay? Once you’re
dead, YOU’RE DEAD.
10.
Do some or all of the characters in
the HP universe and/or the characters you created and hate wind up dead/injured
in your story? (+500)
This is a high question simply
because it’s rather ridiculous. This
is simply a way to make sure that happy la-la land never dies. If you eliminate all of the “bad”
characters, you eliminate conflict.
And when you eliminate conflict, you eliminate plot. Plot IS important when it comes to
writing, please keep that in mind.
Also, it’s rather petty—you don’t like Lucius Malfoy, so he dies. You don’t like Ron Weasley, so he
dies. That is simply taking canon
and turning it into what YOU want, rather than following it and complying with
it.
Also, if YOUR character kills
them, do you know what that makes your character? A naughty character.
Murder is the supreme act of evil.
Slughorn said so, and why would he lie?
11.
Does the story end with your
character falling in love with and becoming engaged to/marrying another character
and everyone living ridiculously happily (and soppily) ever after? (+200)
This is yet another Mary Sue
device. There’s nothing WRONG with
a happily ever after ending.
Just…don’t make it totally unrealistic, with your character getting
everything she ever wanted, getting married to, shall we say the usual staple,
Snape, and they live forever and ever frolicking about with butterflies and
fluffy bunnies in fields of clover and daisies, and WHAT DO YA KNOW, Sevvie is
a SEX GOD who wears black silk boxers and LOVES babies. What a HORRIBLE ending. If anything, that man has gotta be worn
out—the poor guy, he’s had so many endings like that happen to him it’s
APPALLING. We don’t think he sleeps.
12.
Does she somehow right an ill
experienced by one of the canon characters (Harry leaves the Dursleys’, Sirius’s
name is cleared, Snape becomes a cheerful sap, etc.)? (+500)
This is just
HIDEOUS. You can’t DO this,
okay? Harry is living with the Dursleys
for a very good reason—you character is not going to just “fix” that particular
issue. Look, guys—bringing about a
posthumous pardon of Sirius Black is a little dumb, and sets the stage for
extreme angst and whining. Not to
mention the fact that, as the many suspect that that idiot Fudge will start
listening to Dumbledore, if Sirius’s name is cleared, it will probably happen
on it’s own, not because of your WONDERFUL character. And Snape is a very bitter individual—he’s not going to
decide to lighten up in a span of three months. Just don’t do this, okay? So many Mary Sues have pulled this number that it’s
sickening.
13.
Does she somehow right multiple or all
said ills experienced by all the canon characters? (+1000)
THE BIGGEST NO-NO IN THE BOOK. You can’t do THIS, either. Especially not this. Life sucks, and then you die. That’s the way it goes. All humans do throughout their entire
existence is SURVIVE. Just like
any other mammal. You can’t have
your character sweep in, catch Peter Pettigrew, which results in a domino
effect of Sirius’s name getting cleared, Harry getting leave the Dursleys’ and
live with Sirius, and then make Sirius and Snape kiss and make up and live
together in a time frame of about three days. No matter how GREAT you think your character is, she is NOT
going to be able to cure all diseases, feed all hungry, and right all other
injustice and human suffering in the world without ever getting a hair out of
place. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!
14.
Does she cure/heal Neville’s parents
(+500)
This one is a terrible
cliché. Not only that, considering
how popular (and, you get the impression, well-known) Neville’s parents were,
and considering the heinous nature of their incapacitation, you’d think that wizarding
experts have been working on their case for QUITE SOME TIME. And if THEY can’t do it, some bubbly
little fourth year who appears out of nowhere wielding her Sue-per powers sure
as heck can’t, either.
15.
Does she bring a dead character back
to life (+1000)
Stated in canon—THIS DOESN’T
WORK AT ALL!!! And, the most
common of all these miraculous Lazarus impersonations is—gasp—LILY AND JAMES
POTTER. THEY—ARE—DEAD!! And they are gonna STAY dead!! So don’t have your character stand in
front of their graves and shout POTTERS COME FORTH!! And we’ve already established that Sirius Black IS DEAD DEAD
DEAD DEAD DEAD!!!! AND, SAD AS IT
IS, DUMBLEDORE’S DEAD, TOO!!!! YOU
ARE NOT GOD, AND NEITHER IS YOUR CHARACTER!!.
16.
Does she reform any of the canon or
original “bad guys?” (+100)
This—is—DISGUSTING!! It’s sappy, it’s sugary, and it’s less
realistic than Rainbow Brite. And,
once again, it is one of the most OVERUSED, OVERWORKED, and OVERDONE Mary Sue
bits out there. Especially Malfoy
and Snape. Less common is
Voldemort, but about five million times less likely. That guy is EVIL.
He is, as stated before, the HP equivalent of the Devil. And if you think your character is
gonna go down to Hell, have a nice chat with Satan and convince him to go
apologize to God, YOU ARE AN EGOMANIAC BASTARD! And more than one is simply unforgivable.
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