Section Twelve
She’s just a love machine!
And she won’t Sue for nobody but YOU!
The Love Connection
There were
bells in the hill, but Snape never heard them ringing, no he never heard them
at all till there was Sue!!
All right, people. Let’s get down and dirty here. This is the most touchy section of this
entire test. Take just about any
true-blue-Sue, strip her down to her bare essentials, and here’s what you’ll
end up with. Love, relationships,
crushes, and shagging are what spawned the Mary Sue in the first place—she
lives for it. This section is also
particularly touchy because, even if the character is only a side character to
the story, if you hit the proper score on this section, you’re Sued. There are no exceptions. Example: if the plotline follows Harry and Ginny through the main
part, but on the side Charlie Weasley is always all over his new wife, who is
always all over him and they always get distracted by each other and all
Charlie can really do is talk about how great his wife is and how beautiful how
talented how witty how funny how rich…sorry. And if you follow Lupin through his werewolf escapades, but
he walks in on Snape making good use of his Magical Dungeon of Love with that
new and fantastic student…sorry.
Even minor characters can become the most annoying Mary Sue in the
book. So, be honest and be true so
you’ll learn how to avoid the Sue.
Scoring
technique: This section is extensive.
There are several main canon characters that Sue authors target, sometimes
in tandem, and there are many cliché ways they snag them. And, while your character may shack up
with Snape, she may also have Remus and Sirius lusting after her. Meaning you don’t just count
Snape. For every cliché you see
here, you must count it, even if the character in question is not the final
love interest. So, if your
character falls in love with Snape and they get together through cliché means,
but Sirius and Remus still have several of the clichés below, you must count
them all. Don’t skip. If you aren’t sure, count it
anyway. It probably is.
Note: If your
otherwise low score soars after this section, don’t get discouraged. Romance in HP is hard to write,
considering there is hardly any, and what little romance there has been are high
school crushes. Your fic and
character still may be salvageable—don’t trash it immediately after this
section. Just watch the clichés.
1.
Is the story told from your character’s POV? (+25)
These first
few questions are mostly just to warn the author—while no crime in and of
themselves, Sues often use them.
Fifty percent of the time, a Sue story is told from the Sue’s POV.
2.
Is the story told from the POV of
the desired canon character? (+25)
And the other
fifty percent of the time, it’s told from the POV of the love interest of the
Sue.
3.
Is your character the main
character? (+50)
Again, no real
crime, but while minor characters can easily be Sues, main characters are much
more likely to be Sues.
4.
Is the love interest the main
character? (+100)
This one’s a
little worse than the above question.
This may lead itself to long, flowery descriptions of how beautiful or
handsome your character is as the main character swoons over him/her.
5.
Is your character the love interest of
ANY of the canon characters? (+50)
Now, as stated
above, Mary Sues were invented to bring romance into a fictional universe. While this angle can and is often used quite
successfully, nearly every time a Sue crops up, she’s out for love. And this is even more true if the
author has a crush on a canon character—it just means that he or she is all the
more likely to insert him/herself into the story, which invariably leads to a
Sue/Stu.
6.
Is it Snape? (+200)
Poor Severus
Snape is probably the biggest Sue-magnet in all of HP fandom—if not all fandom
in the entire world. He’s mysterious,
quasi-evil, has balls of steel, and has been pegged as having Alan Rickman’s
voice *drools*. As such, he has
droves of fangirls (like us)—despite the unpleasantness in HBP. And similarly, he has tons of girls who
all want to write in characters to cuddle and/or shag him him. The poor guy has been warped OOC by
more people that we can count.
Following is a list of the most overdone and overused plot points in
Snape/OC fics—the plot points most favored by Mary Sues.
a)
Is she the new DADA teacher? (+100)
b)
Is she an American, Japanese, Canadian, or otherwise non-British
person? (+100)
c)
Do they meet before the welcoming feast? (+50)
d)
Do they meet at the welcoming feast? (+100)
e)
Did they know each other before she even showed up? (+50)
f)
Is she an old flame? (+100)
g)
Do they fall madly in love the instant they see each other?
(+500)
h)
Do they immediately hate each other after a three-sentence
fight? (+200)
i)
Are they constantly fighting (bickering, fist fights, duels,
etc.) (+100)
j)
In any fight they may have, does she always best him? (+200)
k)
Does she ever slap/punch his face? (+100)
l)
Is/Was she a Gryffindor? (+100)
m)
Is/Was she friends with the Marauders? (+200)
n)
Is/Was she a girlfriend of one of the Marauders? (+200)
o)
Is she a relative of Remus’s? (+100)
p)
Is she a relative of Sirius’s? (+100)
q)
Is she a Muggleborn? (+100)
r)
Is she a Muggle? (+200)
s)
Is she one of his former students? (+200)
t)
Is she a student teacher? (+300)
u)
Is she a current student? (+1000)
v)
Is he to watch over/take care of her or vice versa in any
capacity? (+300)
w)
Does Snape carry her off to his Magical Dungeon of Love? (+100)
x)
Does she carry Snape off to his Magical Dungeon of Love? (+200)
y)
Is the one being carried off an unwilling participant but
can’t/won’t fight off the said assailant? (+200)
z)
Does Snape viciously have his way with the object of his
affection while she sits there and cries about how she knows he will reveal her
deep dark secret to everyone? (+200)
aa) Does she
save his life? (+200)
bb) Does he save
her life? (+200)
cc) Does she somehow
remove his Dark Mark? (+500)
dd) Does she
“reform” Snape through her wonderful charm, love and acceptance? (+200)
ee) Does she
convince him to set aside his enmity for Harry and adopt him, providing him with
the loving, familial setting the two of them have always wanted? (+1000)
ff) Is/Was she
also a Death Eater? (+100)
gg) Is/Was she
some kind of toadie to a different big bad Dark Lord (ess)? (+200)
hh) Does Snape
immediately think she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen? (+200)
ii)
Does she immediately think Snape’s the most beautiful thing
she’s ever seen? (+100)
jj)
Does Snape have a thing for her but she does not return it?
(+50)
kk) Does Snape
have a thing for her but she doesn’t even know it? (+100)
ll)
Does she have a thing for Snape but he does not return it? (+50)
mm) Does she
have a thing for Snape but he doesn’t even know it? (+100)
nn) Is there a
significant difference in their ages? (+100)
Impressive,
huh? The above list was
essentially a tallying of every oft-repeated plot device in all of Sue-dom when
the Sue enters into a romance with Snape.
Higher point values are given to the ones that are used most often, the
ones that are the least plausible with canon, the ones that are the most irritating,
or the ones that are the most disturbing.
Seriously, people—if you love his character so much, don’t warp him into
a fluffy, quivering pink pile of rat crap to suit your own ends.
7.
Is it Sirius? (+200)
Probably
Snape’s biggest rival for attracting Sues is Sirius Black. He’s had a rough life, majorly gotten
the shaft in the whole Azkaban thing, and has also been established as quite
the hottie. And so there are
hordes of fangirls who want to console him, and to do so write a nice little
Sue for him to fall madly in love with.
As before, here is a list of characteristic Mary Sue devices for getting
into his heart (or his pants).
a)
Is she the new DADA teacher? (+100)
b)
Is she an old flame? (+100)
c)
Is she a Slytherin? (+50)
d)
Is/Was she a Death Eater? (+100)
e)
Is/Was she some kind of toadie to a different big bad Dark Lord
(ess)? (+200)
f)
Is she a current Hogwarts student? (+200)
g)
Is she a relative of Remus’s? (+100)
h)
Is she a relative of Snape’s? (+100)
i)
Is she a friend of Snape’s? (+100)
j)
Is she an old flame of Snape’s? (+100)
k)
Is she someone that Snape loved in his Hogwarts years but who
didn’t like him back? (+100)
l)
Does she clear Sirius’s name while he’s still alive? (+500)
m)
Does she bring him back from beyond the veil? (+1000)
n)
Does Sirius immediately think she’s the most beautiful thing
he’s ever seen? (+200)
o)
Does she immediately think Sirius’s the most beautiful thing
she’s ever seen? (+100)
p)
Does Sirius have a thing for her but she does not return it?
(+50)
q)
Does Sirius have a thing for her but she doesn’t even know it?
(+100)
r)
Does she have a thing for Sirius but he does not return it?
(+50)
s)
Does she have a thing for Sirius but he doesn’t even know it?
(+100)
t)
Is there a significant difference in their ages? (+100)
Not quite as
nauseating as Snape’s list, but still pretty bad. Also as before, higher points go to bigger clichés. You should probably avoid most of these
if you just have to write a Sirius/OC romance fic—too many of them and you’re
Sued.
Oh, and by the
way…HE’S DEAD!!! He is NO
MORE! He has ceased to be! If he hadn’t fallen through that veil
he’d be pushin’ up the daises! He
is an EX-SIRIUS!
8.
Is it Lupin? (+100)
Remus Lupin
also has had a pretty rough time of it, and therefore has a healthy collection
of girls who want to hold him and make it better. Here are the most common Sue devices:
a)
Is she the new DADA teacher? (+100)
b)
Is Lupin also a teacher at the time? (+50)
c)
Are they both teachers in some capacity? (+50)
d)
Is she one of his former student? (+100)
e)
Is she one of his current students? (+200)
f)
Is she Sirius’s sister? (+100)
g)
Is she Snape’s sister? (+100)
h)
Is she an old flame? (+100)
i)
Does he leave Tonks for your character? (+200)
j)
Is she a pro-werewolf activist? (+200)
k)
Is she a werewolf? (+100)
l)
If she is a werewolf, was she turned by Remus or Greyback?
(+200)
m)
Does she significantly alleviate/cure his lycanthropy? (+200)
n)
Does Remus immediately think she’s the most beautiful thing he’s
ever seen? (+200)
o)
Does she immediately think Remus’s the most beautiful thing
she’s ever seen? (+100)
p)
Does Remus have a thing for her but she does not return it?
(+50)
q)
Does Remus have a thing for her but she doesn’t even know it?
(+100)
r)
Does she have a thing for Remus but he does not return it? (+50)
s)
Does she have a thing for Remus but he doesn’t even know it?
(+100)
t)
Is there a significant difference in their ages? (+100)
Again, higher
points mean worse MS clichés or simply non-canonical plot devices. Just watch out for these in your
fics—they’ll lead you down the path of Sue, from which there is no escape. Oh, and by the way, for those of your
who didn’t notice, Remus is no longer single. Leave off.
9.
Is it Malfoy? (+100)
Given the large
number of people who think Malfoy is a complete git, he has a surprisingly
large fangirl following of his own, of girls who have either painted him as the
angstful hero type, or simply as a total bad boy. And since HBP came out and Malfoy apparently developed a
conscience, his fanbase has exploded.
So, as with all other popular male characters, they often decide that
Malfoy needs a girl (specifically themselves), and so they write him a Mary
Sue.
a)
Is she a Gryffindor? (+100)
b)
Is she a Muggleborn? (+50)
c)
Is she a Muggle? (+100)
d)
Is she a Veela? (+200)
e)
Is she the new DADA teacher? (+100)
f)
Is she Snape’s new assistant? (+100)
g)
Is/Was she a Death Eater? (+50)
h)
Is/Was she some kind of toadie to a different big bad Dark Lord
(ess)? (+200)
i)
Does he initially hate her? (+50)
j)
Does she initially hate him? (+50)
k)
Do they finally get together when one saves the other’s life?
(+50)
l)
Do Draco and Harry fight over her? (+200)
m)
If she is a Muggle or a Muggleborn, does he defy his father’s wishes
over her? (+100)
n)
Is he subsequently tortured and/or disowned? (+100)
o)
Is she a friend/relative of Harry or Ron? (+200)
p)
Is she Voldemort’s daughter? (+200)
q)
Is she Snape’s daughter? (+1000)
r)
Does he save her life? (+200)
s)
Does she save his life? (+200)
t)
Does Draco immediately think she’s the most beautiful thing he’s
ever seen? (+200)
u)
Does she immediately think Draco’s the most beautiful thing
she’s ever seen? (+100)
v)
Does Draco have a thing for her but she does not return it?
(+50)
w)
Does Draco have a thing for her but she doesn’t even know it?
(+100)
x)
Does she have a thing for Draco but he does not return it? (+50)
y)
Does she have a thing for Draco but he doesn’t even know it?
(+100)
z)
Is there a significant difference in their ages? (+100)
As you can
see, the significant Draco following has lead to quite a few traits to be
avoided. The above are the most
common ways for Mary Sues to get him in their clutches, so if you want to get Draco
a girl, do it by a different route.
And Snape still has no daughter.
10. Is it Harry? (+100)
Despite his
youth, Harry Potter is still the main character. Many people also perceive him as quite cute, and he is
definitely rich, famous, and powerful.
These characteristics all attract fangirls by the score, which
invariably brings Mary Sues.
a)
Is she Snape’s daughter? (+1000)
b)
Is she Sirius’s daughter? (+100)
c)
Is she Remus’s daughter? (+100)
d)
Is she Malfoy’s sister? (+100)
e)
Is she a Slytherin? (+100)
f)
Does Harry have to watch after her in any capacity? (+100)
g)
Is she to look after Harry in any capacity? (+100)
h)
Does she save his life? (+200)
i)
Does he save her life? (+200)
j)
Do they meet over the summer? (+200)
k)
Does Harry ditch Ginny in favor of your character? (+200)
l)
Does Harry immediately think she’s the most beautiful thing he’s
ever seen? (+200)
m)
Does she immediately think Harry’s the most beautiful thing
she’s ever seen? (+100)
n)
Does Harry have a thing for her but she does not return it?
(+50)
o)
Does Harry have a thing for her but she doesn’t even know it?
(+100)
p)
Does she have a thing for Harry but he does not return it? (+50)
q)
Does she have a thing for Harry but he doesn’t even know it?
(+100)
r)
Is there a significant difference in their ages? (+100)
These are, as
before, the most common plot devices for hooking Harry up with a Mary Sue. Don’t. Anyway, we think that, despite the breakup, Harry still has
a thing for Ginny—it’ll take some serious work to make him go for your
character. Oh, and Snape? Still no daughter.
11.
Is it Ron? (+100)
Ron doesn’t
fall in with Sues quite as often as the previous characters, but oftentimes authors
write fics to further the ships they think are the right ones, and Ron is
occasionally left out in the cold.
And when that happens, they often write in a nice, flat Mary Sue to pair
him off with. Other times, Ron is
simply the favorite character, and the Sue comes naturally, as with the
previously mentioned characters.
a)
Do they meet because Harry and Hermione are off snogging, as are
Ginny and Draco (and no, it does not necessarily mean those specific ships—it
applies if his friends are absent due to the fact that they are spending time
with their significant others—those two just happened to be the most common
ships for this angle to come about)? (+50)
b)
Is she a Slytherin? (+100)
c)
Is she Snape’s daughter? (+1000)
d)
Is she Malfoy’s sister? (+100)
e)
Does Ron immediately hate her because of any of the above three
situations? (+100)
f)
Do Harry and Ron fight over her? (+200)
g)
Does Ron immediately think she’s the most beautiful thing he’s
ever seen? (+200)
h)
Does she immediately think Ron’s the most beautiful thing she’s
ever seen? (+100)
i)
Does Ron have a thing for her but she does not return it? (+50)
j)
Does Ron have a thing for her but she doesn’t even know it?
(+100)
k)
Does she have a thing for Ron but he does not return it? (+50)
l)
Does she have a thing for Ron but he doesn’t even know it?
(+100)
m)
Is there a significant difference in their ages? (+100)
Since he is
not as often a target for Mary Sues, Ron doesn’t have as large a checklist as
the other characters. Still, the ones
he does have are quite serious, so be on the lookout—we don’t want to take a
promising character and have her wind up Sued. Anyway, this should be a moot point—JK herself has finally
said that “it’s Ron and Hermione”—this shouldn’t even be an issue. AND SNAPE HAS NO DAUGHTER!
12.
Is it Hermione? (+100)
Hermione is an
interesting case. As really the
only main female character, she has a big following of fangirls, in the sense that
they all think she is just so cool. (She is also the main/canon character most
often turned into a Mary Sue herself in fanfiction—if you’re writing about her,
you might want to run her through this test to be on the safe side). She often attracts Gary Stus, either
canon or or original, in that all the girls love her and want to be like her,
so after inserting themselves into her persona, then they write in a wonderful
male character—just like they would want—for her to fall in love with.
a)
Is he a Slytherin? (+50)
b)
Does he initially hate her? (+50)
c)
Does she initially hate him? (+50)
d)
Do they finally get together when one saves the other’s life?
(+100)
e)
Is this scene remarkable similar to the troll scene HPPS/SS?
(+100)
f)
Do they finally get together due to being assigned the same
project, either at school or at work? (+100)
g)
Are they constantly competing to be the best student? (+100)
h)
Is/Was he a Death Eater and/or Dark Wizard? (+100)
i)
Does she join the Dark Wizards? (+200)
j)
Does she have a friend who encourages her to give herself a
makeover and, as such, makes her more noticeable? (+200)
k)
Does he encourage her to give herself a makeover? (+200)
l)
Do her friends and/or family heartily disapprove of her choice, and/or
shun her for hooking up with him? (+100)