Section Eleven
There is a plot! A
plot to make most terrible Sues happen!
The Heart of Your Story
As in the section above, there
are certain plot points that it seems like every Sue in the universe must
utilize. We’ve seen these over and
over again, and as such, they’ve seemed to become defining points the type of
story that will spawn a Mary Sue.
For the most part, they are bad rip-offs of J.K.’s own world, intended
to draw all attention to the author’s character, and reducing all canon characters
to nothing but vehicles for the praising of said character. Some of these are still good plot
points, despite being run through the ringer by thousands upon thousands of
Mary Sues. Others, well…their
scoring speaks for themselves. So
proceed with caution and be honest—this will help you down to road to an
original plot that fits into the colorful world that J.K. has created for us.
1.
Does the Sorting Hat spend a very
long time deciding what house to put your character in because she has far too
many abilities to decide automatically? (+100)
Yes, it does sometimes take a
little while for the Hat to decide.
It took it a full minute for Neville. However, this is usually because of a conflict of one or two
personality traits, rather than the fact that your character can do
EVERYTHING. And while the Hat does
discuss with your character why several things make him/her suitable to a
particular House, it doesn’t spend time treating them to a litany of all her
wonderful characteristics. AND THE
HAT HAS BEEN DOING ITS JOB FOR ONE THOUSAND YEARS AND HAS NOT GOTTEN IT WRONG
YET!! YOUR CHARACTER WILL GET
SORTED, OKAY?!! Most Sues are
generally in Gryffindor, although some particularly NASTY ones will wind up in
Slytherin. Be careful—these are
the most common Houses, for both good characters and Mary Sues. Ravenclaws can be dangerous as well, as
they are established to be witty and smart. And if your character is in Hufflepuff, you can subtract 25
points from your score—we’ve NEVER seen a Hufflepuff Sue—Sue authors seem to
think that ‘Puffs are useless, stupid laborers. Go you for putting your character there.
2.
If your character is a student, do
the teachers take a particular liking to your character? (+50)
This is included because
teachers generally remain impartial to students. Granted, there are exceptions; one gets the impression that
McGonagall and Flitwick are very fond of Hermione. But Snape hates everyone, particularly those not in
Slytherin, and ESPECIALLY Gryffindors.
As Ron put it best, poisonous toadstools don’t change their spots—somehow,
I doubt some random First Year is going to make him change his mind about
Gryffindors and start being nice to them. And not all the teachers are going to treat your
character wonderfully. They all
try to remain impartial. They
aren’t going to all just LOVE your character.
3.
If your character is a student, do
the teachers take a particular dislike to your character? (+25)
As stated above, teachers attempt
to remain impartial, but it doesn’t always work. The only problem with Mary Sue is that, because Snape has
been established as being rather cranky, they single him out to pick on their
character and create yet another challenge for their character to be so brave
in the face of. And, uh, Snape
really loathes Harry, more so now for that little Pensieve incident (THE MAN
THREW A JAR OF DEAD COCKROACHES AT HIM, FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD!)—and the animosity
between the two of them has practically transcended hate after Snape’s
little surprise move atop the astronomy tower. Making Snape hate your character more than Harry is OOC and
yet another example of Mary having everything either better or worse than
everyone else, but still remaining plucky, cheerful, and “humble.” And if all the teachers hate your
character, that probably means she’s a total asshat.
4.
If your character is a student, does
she go on a first name basis with any of the staff? (+100)
No, okay? No teachers do this. Calling them Professor is a sign of
respect. It’s not going to change. It’s part of the established
student-teacher relationships. And
having Snape going “Call me Severus” or Filch going “Call me Argus” is just
revoltingly OOC. THEY HATE
CHILDREN. All children, including
your character. No. And it’s highly disrespectful if your
character calls everyone by their first name. They’re your PROFESSORS. Not your friends.
5.
Does your character seem to be able
to get away with blatant disregard for the rules? (+50)
No one can do this. No one. Not even Fred and George. Harry has his moments and gets in trouble for most of them, but
there are a few where he doesn’t (Basilisk). But Harry is also the main focus/hero of the HP universe
(again, hence the name), and is, as such, an exception. If your character dumps Blasting Beetle
Eyes in her cauldron in the middle of Snape’s class, she’s gonna get in
trouble. Snape threatened
expulsion for that firecracker incident. And if she did it right in front of him, he WOULD
expel her.
6.
Does your character ever skip class?
(+50)
The first question isn’t
necessarily terrible. We know
people skip classes occasionally at Hogwarts—Hermione did accidentally in Year
Three, too. However, with the
bonus questions…it’s not going to work.
It’s a boarding school, not public, nor is it college. They do care whether or not you go to
class. They also know where you
live. They’ll find you, yank you
out of wherever you are, and either a) give you detention, or b) expel
you. There is no middle
ground. And if your character
walks out of a class, it’s not only ridiculous, considering the teacher
probably would lock the door and not let you, it is also a theft of a canon
character’s traits—only one other person did that, and it’s Hermione.
And if any of the classes she
skips or walks out on happen to be related to Severus Snape, he will personally
drag her back in the classroom by the hair, make her sit through the class,
then give her severe detention that is sure to be in said classroom she tried
to avoid, likely doing something vile.
We’ve also discussed the whole
“not getting into any trouble” thing already.
7.
Does your character ever slap Snape
in the face? (+50)
Sue authors do this a lot, because
a) it shows how headstrong and mighty their character is, and b) Snape is a
git. However, it’s also highly
implausible, ESPECIALLY if she’s a student, and ESPECIALLY ESPECIALLY if she’s
in class. Do you realize what
would happen to your character if she hit Snape? Completely disregarding the fact that engaging in physical
violence against a teacher likely merits expulsion, Snape would expel her out
the WINDOW, either before or after she did it. He is, as stated above, a git. But he is also a Wizard, and a damned good one. Never bring fists to a Wizard’s Duel.
8.
Does your plot involve time-travel
in any way, shape, or form? (+100)
This is another one of those points
that, while not too terrible in themselves, is just used by enough Sue authors
that it must be mentioned here.
Sue authors use it to allow Harry to meet his parents, to allow their
character to hook up with someone in the past without worrying about minor
points such as age differences or death, or, most unforgivable of all, to make
their characters related to a canon character in some ridiculous capacity that
would otherwise be impossible. Not
to mention the fact that “long-distance” time travel has not been fully
established in canon, but it has been established that messing about in the
past can have VERY serious repercussions.
As with many points before this one, it is relatively harmless, but
don’t stack up too many like it.
9.
Does your character, while not a
Seer, have dreams/visions about past, present, or future events? (+300)
NOWHERE has this ability been
established in canon, except for Harry.
AND ONLY HARRY. It’s unique
to him because of that spiffy little scar he got. Which your character does NOT have. Moreover, Harry’s scar is doubly unique
because it links him to Voldemort.
AND NO ONE ELSE HAS THIS ABILITY, EITHER!! Voldemort didn’t fall out power TWICE! Don’t be ridiculous.
10.
Does Voldemort decide that your
character is the perfect weapon against Harry? (+50)
Yes, Voldemort uses those
people close to Harry as weapons against him (Sirius). People are suspecting that he’s gonna kidnap
Ron or Hermione one of these days to use him or her against Harry. It’s perfect, since he has a little bit
of a hero-complex, as we have seen.
However, there are a whole lot of people who’ve been very close to Harry
for five years now—Voldemort’s NOT going to pass up ALL the Weasleys, Hermione
and Lupin and IMMEDIATELY go for that new First Year that nobody had heard of
until now.
11.
Does Voldemort begin to go after
your character specifically instead of Harry? (+500)
NO NO NO NO NO! Yes, Voldemort has general targets,
such as all Muggleborns, and all those who don’t agree with what he
thinks. But, best we can figure
from canon, he has exactly TWO main, specific targets: Dumbledore and Harry. And that hasn’t changed for over
fifteen years, and doesn’t seem likely to any time soon.
12.
Is your character part of a prophecy
to defeat Voldemort? (+200)
As established in Books V and
VI, there’s only ONE prophecy out there about defeating Voldemort, and only ONE
person is involved, and it is, what do ya know, HARRY. Even if your fic is/was pre-OotP,
that’s extremely arrogant.
Voldemort went after HARRY fourteen years ago—not your character.
13.
Is Harry in no way involved in said
prophecy? (+500)
That’s just wrong, okay? Harry’s the only one who has the
slightest chance to defeat this guy!
Don’t steal that from him!
14.
Does your character indeed bring
about the defeat Voldemort? (+1000)
No. Don’t EVER do this, not in ANY way, shape or form. Canon has VERY firmly established that
Harry is the ONLY ONE who will be able to pull this off—whether it will involve
thus far unseen powers is up for conjecture, but the point is that only Harry
James Potter has even the remotest chance of being able to defeat the
V-man. While it is highly likely
that he will have help, or that he may not even deal the final, crushing blow,
he will be the one to do most of the work and bring him down in the end. If you answered yes to one or both of
these questions, don’t continue anymore, and just KILL YOUR FIC. It’s a Mary Sue. Trust us.
15.
If she doesn’t directly defeat
Voldemort, is she some how integral to bringing about his downfall? (+200)
This is conceited. Yes, it’s feasible that some character
may, you know, somehow help out.
But HARRY is the ONLY one with the power to defeat Mr. V, and in true Oedipus
Rex fashion. It’s been
established in canon. We don’t
think Sybil is about to just seize up and say “But wait a second, there is
another person who has the power and Harry needs her help, sorry, my
mistake.” It’s not going to
happen.
16.
Does your character EVER use
physical violence on Voldemort, no matter how small? (+500)
THIS. IS. STUPID.
Voldemort is The Most Hated and Feared Dark Wizard of All Time. Your character is NOT going to sucker
punch him! She’s not even going to
poke him in the eye! He did not
rise to the status that he has by allowing people to beat him up. If nothing else, he grew up in an
orphanage. He’s been in a scrap or
two. Just as a note, hurling
boulders at him with MAGIC in a DUEL is fine. Chucking rocks at him is not. He’d flick ‘em away.
And then he’d kill you.
17.
If your character is evil, is she
bigger, badder, and nastier than Voldemort himself? (+500)
Sigh. We’ve already established this—Voldemort is THE bad guy in
HP universe. No one is his equal,
and definitely no one is his superior.
It ain’t gonna happen. And
as for that bonus question—doesn’t that kind of, you know, defeat the purpose
of the entire HP universe?
18.
Are your action scenes mainly about
your character getting into a horrible situation and having the others come to
a daring rescue? (+100)
If your character constantly
gets into this much trouble, she’s just dumb. And it is established in canon—every really bad situation is
somehow related to HARRY, not your character. And even if a character other than Harry is in a bad
situation, said character is not just going to sit there and whine and wait for
said death, nor are they going to forget they have a wand or limbs or SOMETHING
that might help their situation.
Even if they don’t rescue themselves on their own power, they could at
least try.
19.
Are your action scenes mainly about
your character getting into a horrible situation and miraculously staging her
own escape? (+100)
Not even Harry, Ron and/or
Hermione can manage this. No one
can get into trouble, and then stage his or her own daring escape. It’s dumb, worse than the above, and makes
your character and plot have holes, because she was dumb enough to get into the
situation, but suddenly grows a new brain to get out of it. It would not happen.
20.
Are your action scenes mainly about
your character staging her own miraculous rescues and escape attempts to save
all her friends? (+200)
Now don’t be stupid. The only person who has staged rescues
for his friends is, you guessed it, Harry. And sometimes, they don’t WORK. Like that whole Sirius rescue in Book V? What happened there? He died! They don’t always work. And, by the way, the teachers can take care of themselves,
ESPECIALLY Dumbledore. He beat
Voldemort dueling. He’s not about
to need the First Year Miss Andreana Karolynne Topaz to come and save his mushy
old butt from Death Eaters—if Harry couldn’t do it, your character can’t
either. And as for Snape, he can
take care of himself. He’s been
dodging Voldie’s wrath for quite some time, and it’s now confirmed that
Voldemort keeps him as one of his closest advisors. He’s fine.
21. Does your character save the lives of any canon characters
through her wit and cunning? (+100)
Yawn. Not only yawn, but you set yourself up for outdoing dear
Hermione. And we’ve discussed
outdoing canon characters already.
22.
Does your character save the lives
of any canon characters through magical or mystical intervention? (+200)
Same as above. Only much worse. Don’t have your character come flying in
on a suddenly visible Thestral, wielding Gryffindor’s Sword, which has been
enchanted by your character by some nonsense spell she spontaneously thought
up, like “DRAGON FLAME!!” It’s
dumb.
23.
Does your character save the lives
of any canon characters by sacrificing herself in any way? (+200)
Same as the above two, only the
WORST of all three of them. Every
Mary Sue in the book has done this.
DON’T DO IT!!
24.
Does your character have a goal of
bringing the four houses together and end the centuries of competition between
them? (+100)
Gag. Hermione mentioned this ONCE, and was instantly bombarded
with opposition. She didn’t bring
it up again. It’s not gonna
happen. They’re too different, and
too well established as such.
25.
Does she succeed? (+300)
NOOOOOOOOOOO!! It’ll be a cold day in Hell when some
random chick shows up, says “Can’t we all just get along?” and then Harry and
Draco are best friends, and Snape and McGonagall go hide and snog. It ain’t gonna happen, it’s never gonna
happen, it won’t happen.
26.
Does she meddle in the lives of
canon characters (matchmaking)? (+500)
This is, perhaps, one of the three
biggest Mary Sue purposes in fanfiction—to hook up all canon characters in the
way the author thinks they should be.
It’s horrible and interfering.
Leave off—let Harry choose who he wants, whether it be Ginny, Hermione,
or Draco. And it’s doubly bad if
your character does this for the sole purpose of rewriting the ships the way
that YOU thought they should have gone.
And they are not going to instantly do what your character says. That is very forced and awkward. It’s not good writing in general to
just throw two characters together and name them a couple.
27.
Is Lucius Malfoy the slimiest,
nastiest, biggest git in the whole wide world? (+50)
For some reason—some
unfathomable reason—Sue authors HATE Lucius Malfoy! We don’t know why.
NO ONE knows why—not even the Sue authors. Yes, he’s a slimy git, but that’s part of his charm. And for people to think he’s worse than
VOLDEMORT is stupid. Also, not
everyone in the HP universe hates Lucius.
His wife likes him—at least, we think she does, she did bear him a son,
and defended him against her sister, and all. Oh, and don’t forget—he’s one of the Dark Lord’s most
trusted toadies, despite being in the doghouse at the moment. Don’t you think he has better things to
do that pick on your character? And for that last bit—that’s horrible. Don’t do that. It’s one of the most overused plot
points in the Sueniverse. Leave
the man alone. Yes, he’s evil,
yes, he’s a git, but he’s not Satan himself. Leave him ALONE.
28.
At any point in your fic, does your
character participate in a game of truth or dare with canon or original
characters? (+100)
We don’t know why, but Mary Sue
authors use this one SO MUCH it’s disgusting. Not only is it yet another chance for your character to make
out with the desired canon character of choice (and everyone else in canon, for
that matter), it’s also a matchmaking ploy and NOT IN CANON. And for some strange reason, it often
comes back to haunt them, while it’s so easily explained away. Then again, Sues jump at any chance to
wail and moan about the unfairness of it all. Just don’t do this.
29.
DID YOU PUT DUMBLEDORE ON
METAMUCIL??!! (Translation: Is he nothing but a senile, doddering old fart who
stands around looking enigmatic with his stupid twinkly eyes offering everyone
lemon drops and is of no real use except to praise the character??!!) (+500)
This is perhaps one of the
BIGGEST sins in ALL fanfiction EVER.
This is the OLDEST Mary Sue tricks used, because Sue authors just cannot
be bothered with writing Dumbledore’s character. All he does is stroll about, offering lemon drops to random
people, smiling idiotically and having his eyes twinkle. NO GOOD!! Plus, he favors Harry and is REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY
REALLY POWERFUL. Can’t have
someone outdoing your character, though, can we? She’s gotta be the BEST!! NEVER EVER EVER EVER DO THIS, IT’S WRONG AND OOC AND JUST
BAAAAAAAAD!
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