Section Ten
I see a bad Sue a’risin’…
The Opening Scenes and Exposition of Your Character
All right—back to your
story. In reading so many awful
Sue fics, we have come to find several common threads in the introductions of
many of these fics. In other
words, they all do the same thing!
So here is a collection of intros we have seen over and over again in
Sue stories—so watch out for these.
Some of them can be managed successfully—J.K. even employs some of them
on occasion. But be wary—in trying
to use them yourself, you may wind up with nothing but an obviously poor copy
of her style, or—worse still, a Sue!
1.
Do you introduce your character on
the very first page? (+25)
This one isn’t severe, simply
because it happens all the time in GOOD fics, too. However, it must be listed because Sue writers have a
tendency to want to get to the “meat” of their story and decide that
introducing them on the first page with no exposition is the fastest way to
show readers what a great, talented, beautiful, and witty character they have
created. We would advise a little
scene establishment, not just an automatic insert of your character. It helps them to mold to canon.
2.
Do you give no back-story or
explanation about your character, but just randomly stick her into the HP universe?
(+100)
We think this one speaks for
itself. NO ONE in the HP universe
just dropped out of the sky, okay?
When this happens, more often than not they come from the Black Hole of
Sue-dom everyone knows about. Just
don’t do this, okay? People ARE
interested in the character! They
will want to hear about her past.
Just so long as you keep the past just that: THE PAST.
3.
Do you give her back-story or
explanation in overly elaborate detail all at once? (+100)
This one is almost as bad as
the first. To introduce your
character, her sister, her dog, and her whole tragic past on the first page is
not good writing. In fact, most people
will lose interest after the third sentence if you do nothing but talk about
her past. The best way to
introduce a character is bit by bit—but not bit by mysterious bit. Just read the HP books over—look how
Harry’s past was introduced.
That’s a good example.
4.
Is your character a Death Eater or a
servant to some other Dark Lord (ess)? (+200)
A surprising number of people
write evil Mary Sues. It is simply
their attempts to write a good villain.
We all know that everyone in the world LOVES a good villain. So people who write up a character like
this either get a little overzealous in their attempts to please the public, or
they simply decide that THEIR character is going to be, without a doubt, the
BEST villain. And having her be in
that particular situation against her will is sickening. It is just another way for her to brood
and whine about her past and the unfairness of it all, and for her to be so
brave in the face of danger.
And as for the second bonus
question, there is only ONE Death Eater turned spy—no matter who he was spying
for. Severus Snape is a GOD. You’re character is not. Leave the man alone.
5.
After about three sentences of
action and adventure, are all the canon characters instantly best friends with
your character? (+50)
No no no. This NEVER happens in real life OR
canon. Best friends take a while
to get! Hence the name “best.” Sure, after a small incident, they may
become friends and start talking to each other, but the best friends part needs
to take a while. Cultivate a friendship! Make it realistic. And making it Harry, Ron, and Hermione
is basically copying the “Troll in the bathroom” scene, which is not very nice. Don’t do it. And as for the age difference—why would sixth years hang out
with a first year? This a classic
device for Mary Sue authors to insert themselves as a new student, and then
immediately horn in on all the action.
Again, don’t do it.
6.
After about three sentences of
action and adventure, are all the canon characters instantly worst enemies with
your character? (+50)
We already discussed why this
is unrealistic. People don’t
instantly hate each other. It took
an entire year for Harry and Draco to become enemies to the level they are
right now. Just follow the same
rules as above—give it time.
7.
Does your character meet her new
friends/enemies at Diagon Alley? (+25)
Not that severe, but be
careful. Don’t have them meet
while your character is performing some amazing magic or saving their lives
from runaway broomsticks or something.
Plus, don’t have them actively seek her out. Meet randomly.
It’s a big place, very crowded, so watch it.
8.
Is your character a Muggle at
Hogwarts? (+200)
This one is high simply because
it’s not possible. Muggles cannot
get into Hogwarts. They are not
allowed at Hogwarts. It’s as
simple as that. There are spells
around the grounds that make Muggles run off, thinking they’ve forgotten an
appointment or something along those lines. Muggles simply cannot and will not get into Hogwarts—it’s as
simple as that.
9.
Is she a Muggleborn and/or doesn’t
find out she’s a witch until her letter arrives? (+50)
Again, not as severe, but it
sets the stones for Sues. You may
set up a character for either cute little scenes where she doesn’t know what to
do or—the classic Sue—she just got her letter but DOES know what to do even
though she has no experience with it.
And this is a very convenient angle for all us “Muggles” out there who
want to go to Hogwarts to insert ourselves—and we all know what self-insertion
leads to. Also, there is a special
quill that writes down all names who will be going to Hogwarts. It’s never missed. Your character will attend Hogwarts at
age eleven, and will attend until age seventeen. Keep it real, people.
10.
Is your character a Squib? (+50)
This question isn’t high
because it’s plausible and it could be a very good technique to prevent your
character from getting a lot of points.
If they’re a Squib, they can’t go to Hogwarts, they can’t have Sue-per
powers, they can’t have magic PERIOD.
That knocks out a lot of the questions on this test. However, the Squib angle can also be
used for not only angst, but also attention. Squibs, while they are rare, are also well-known. They aren’t mysterious, nor are they a
vehicle for your character to cry about how she has no magic and can’t frolic
at Hogwarts with everyone who does.
There are only two Squibs we have seen in the HP books. One of them is a very, VERY
cantankerous old goat, and the other is a batty old lady who hits people with a
bag filled with cat food. As you
can see, Squibs are just as dotty as people with magic, so don’t make your
character do nothing but complain about how she doesn’t have magic.
11.
Does she get her supplies with
Hagrid or some other teacher? (+100)
Harry was an EXCEPTION,
okay? And I don’t think Snape or McGonagall
would lead your character around getting her supplies. They do have other things to do. Granted, it is perfectly acceptable to
have some member of the magical community come to introduce a Muggleborn
character to the wizarding world in some capacity—this has not been refuted by
canon, and it makes a lot sense.
But coming to the house to show the letter isn’t a hoax is a stretch
from having some teacher (especially one with other things to worry about) walk
your character through every aspect of her entrance to the wizarding world.
12.
Does this scene bear a suspicious
resemblance to the scene in HPPS/SS? (+100)
That’s just plagiarism. Don’t EVER do something like this,
okay? You’re more creative than
that. Exercise your brain.
13.
Does your character meet her new
friends/enemies on the Hogwarts Express? (+25)
Again, no biggie. Ron and Harry met on the Hogwarts
Express. It’s a convenient place
to meet new people. However, it’s also
a convenient spawning ground for Sues, and needs to be listed.
14.
Do they stumble into her compartment
because they think it is empty and do not see her huddled in the corner? (+100)
The first one is simply
impossible to do. The compartment
doors all have glass windows, and there is nowhere to HIDE on those trains,
unless she’s wadded up in the luggage rack or suspended from the ceiling. Don’t do that. And to make them walk in, then walk
back out is ridiculous and nothing but a stupid angle for your character to
angst about the prejudice against her (and if her appearance is that shocking
or bizarre, well, we’ve addressed that in previous sections). The whole Sue-per powers angle is never
good, and this is no exception.
Rules apply on the train, too.
Don’t do that, either.
15.
If she is friends with the Trio,
does Malfoy instantly include her in his tormenting of the Trio? (+50)
No, Malfoy would not do
this. He started picking on Ron
and Hermione because he’s been trained to do so by his family. He started picking on Harry when Harry
rejected him. He would not
instantly include random people he’s never seen before in his animosity of the
trio—he ignored Luna Lovegood.
He’s a Slytherin—if anything, he’d probably try to cultivate their
friendship to gain an edge. And
Malfoy does not go chasing after people who are hot—there is NO evidence of
this, and we doubt Malfoy would be so low as to push the object of his
affections down in the sandbox to flirt.
16.
Does she level Malfoy with a
crushing retort? (+50)
This one’s just annoying. I mean, if none of the Trio’s been able
to do it, what makes you think your character can? Malfoy is not easily brushed off. He’s persistent in his torment. And a stupid name like the one listed above is most
certainly NOT going to work.
Calling him a “Stinky Slytherin” would not deter him in the least. In reality, it would probably encourage
him. And Malfoy is not the type
who simply cowers then licks his wounds.
He’d either a) use Crabbe and Goyle to restrain your character, or b) go
for an authority figure and get her in trouble. And while he’s a spoiled little weenie, he’s pretty good at
pushing people’s buttons. We think
he can hold his own.
17.
If she’s friends with Malfoy, does
she join in picking on the trio? (+50)
This one isn’t that big because
anyone who’s friends with Malfoy is, more than likely, going to be of the same
persuasion as he. However, watch
it in what you make the canon characters’ reactions. Harry and Ron HATE Malfoy. I don’t think your character would infuriate them more if
they just met her.
18.
In either scenario, does she make
Malfoy behave and leave them alone? (+50)
They hate each other. No one’s gonna stop them any time soon,
okay? And the scathing remarks and
stunning beauty are just more self-insertion issues, especially with
girls. Females always have the tendency
to be thinking “If I could hang around with him, I could change him!” Well, you can’t. So quit it. And if you tried to kick Draco Malfoy, he’d hex you before
your foot got off the ground. He’s
a little sleaze, but he is also a Slytherin—they viciously defend themselves.
19.
When your character enters any
scene, are the eyes of everyone of the opposite sex drawn to him/her? (+100)
Here we go—again. Yes, it would be a major self-image
booster if we were always the center of attention when we walked into the room,
if in any situation we were always the best looking person in the room and all
those of the opposite sex simply couldn’t resist us. Or, even better, if we were just so amazing, charismatic,
and unique that everyone couldn’t help but look at us. And, yet again, this simply isn’t the
case. This is just another
self-insertion point, and should be avoided.
20.
Is your character a transfer
student? (+100)
Okay, this one is just
dangerous. As mentioned before,
the large American HP fan base has led to a lot of American Sue authors, who
want to insert themselves into the universe lock, stock, and barrel—including
their nationality. However, we
hate to burst you bubble, but nowhere in canon has it been established that
there is any sort of transfer program of any kind in wizarding schools—the
closest we’ve seen is the Triwizard Tournament, and that was a special case. And there is also the fact that the
American characters tend to be ugly American characters, while Japanese
characters use their looks and accent to draw attention to themselves, and Canadians
use the fact that the rules in Canada aren’t the same as the ones in England,
and only annoy people. So, just
don’t, okay? Don’t. No transfers. The only possibility would be if s/he was sent as a First
Year—and even that is a little far-fetched. Think of the distance.
Your character would have to be very rich—and we have discussed that
already.
21.
If your character is an adult, is
she at Hogwarts because she is granting Dumbledore or some other teacher a
favor, or owes someone at Hogwarts? (+100)
While this has been used in
canon, it has not been used very much.
And—while Dumbledore knows a LOT of people, he would not go all the way
to another country and request someone come to the school. He obviously sticks to Britain—but, if
you have to have him/her come from another country, make it Europe, please.
22.
If your character is an adult, is
she unusually young for her position? (+25)
The unusually young part isn’t
all that bad. Snape started
teaching when he was 21 or 22.
He’s not even 40 yet. Tonks
is only about 23. However, it does
give you a chance to show how SMART your character is for such a young
person. Which is ANNOYING. And the DADA teacher part can lead to
bad Sues, because it is changed every single year, and so it’s a nice
convenient void for Sue authors to neatly and legitimately set their character
in place. If you make her stay for
more than one year, are almost definitely setting yourself up a Sue—the
position is cursed, remember? And
we’ve already emphasized a big NO on American people randomly showing up in
England and taking the job. And
Snape got the DADA position in Harry’s Sixth Year—guess what happened? The DADA curse fell on him and now he’s
a fugitive. Snape was not given
that job for a reason—it’s cursed.
23.
Does your character stay in the DADA
position longer than a year? (+500)
It’s CURSED. Voldemort did it. It’s established canon now, that NO ONE
can stay in that position longer than a year. That obviously means your character can’t, unless the fic is
set post Book VII under the assumption that Voldemort has bitten the dust and
his petty little curse went with him.
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