Section Five
You like my mink?
I’ve got three others at home.
Pets and Possessions
This section
is a rather minor one, all told, but can still lead you down the road to
Sue-dom, as well as annoying your reader.
By definition, a Sue does everything better than everyone else, and so
it is natural that everything she has is also better than everyone else’s. And she sure loves to rub our noses in
it, too! So, although we’re sure
we can think up all sorts of neat things that would be possible in J.K.’s wild
and colorful world, don’t go overboard, and don’t give every one of them to
your character. It’ll just tick
people off.
1.
Is your character/character’s family
rich? (+100)
This is a
self-insertion point. Even J.K.
admitted it. It is good to have
money. You have none. Get over it.
2.
Is your character/character’s family
poor? (+100)
Whenever a character
is poor in fanfiction, it usually allows them to be strong and manage to live
happily in the face of poverty.
Well, we’ve seen a poor character, and he’s not terribly happy about it. That whole “rags to riches” angle is
rather overused, so don’t give your character an extreme lack of money and
belongings.
3.
Does your character always have the
best of everything (brooms, books, dress robes, etc)? (+100)
Yeah, yeah,
yeah—you’re a Sue and have all the best stuff and love to wave it in the faces
of the people who annoy you. Only
problem is, it annoys the readers, as well as the “bad guy” characters in your
fic. Draco Malfoy uses this
tactic, and everyone hates it.
We’d advise against this one.
4.
Does your character always have the
worst of everything? (+100)
And this is
the opposite. Rather than a
gloating point, it’s an angsting point.
Your character is guaranteed to do nothing but wail and whine about how
hard it is with all this mediocre stuff.
And if she doesn’t, everyone will do it for her while she remains all
stalwart and strong, making do with that she has. Gag.
5.
Does your character live in a
mansion/castle? (+100)
Same as
before—giving your Sue the best of everything is irritating. Don’t do it.
6.
Does your character live in a small,
cramped space? (+100)
Another wangst
point. “See how picked upon my
character is, and yet she remains so strong?” YAWN. It gets old. And
that cupboard business is just stealing Harry Potter’s attributes, and is as
such a very large no-no. So don’t.
7.
Does your character live in
ridiculously opulent and lavish surroundings? (+200)
This one is a
big one in the Sueniverse. Authors
loooooove to dream up surroundings that would put the Egyptian pharaohs to
shame, and then spend at least half a page describing every detail to the
reader. This gets old in a big
hurry. Not only that, but it’s
just silly; the people who honestly have the wealth to do that are few and far
between—and so the likelihood of your character having it is virtually
nil. So don’t be ridiculous.
8.
Does your character live in
ridiculously miserable and dismal surroundings? (+200)
This just lends
itself to the Cinderella angle.
Which is also a Sue angle.
Usually, when they start out with this, they wind up on the opposite end
of the spectrum by the last chapter.
The old “rags to riches” tale—again. That doesn’t work except in la-la fairy tales. As we’ve said above, extreme opulent
surroundings are very rare, so logic dictates that the opposite extreme is also
rare.
9.
Does your character live/spend a lot
of time outdoors? (+200)
No, your character
may NOT live in the forest and commune with nature. For one, Hogwarts doesn’t allow that. For another…why the hell would anyone
live in a forest except animals and other creatures like that? Wizards don’t live in forests. They live in houses. Also, if your character frolics about
in the Forbidden Forest, there is a 99% chance she is going to be eaten, or at
the very least maimed. It’s called
the “Forbidden Forest” for a good reason.
There are bigass spiders in there, centaurs, werewolves, and other dangerous
magical creatures. If your
character somehow lives in there, then she is probably a Sue, as she’ll more
than likely have some of the abilities in Section Seven
10.
Does you character own house elves?
(+50)
Everyone loves
the idea of someone who will do all their work so they don’t have to and treat
you like a master and won’t demand any pay. But not everyone has this option. It has been established that house elves come with the
oldest families (and generally the wealthiest), so if your character doesn’t
fall into that category, she can’t have any. And making it so that your elves are free but still worship
and love your character and still do her work for her is just revolting. Despite what Hermione may say, the
elves clearly don’t want to be free at this point in time. That bit is just another way to use a
ridiculous angle to make your character seem so pious and kind and generous and
enlightened. All it really does is
make the reader want to be sick.
11.
Does your character have/receive her
own room while a student at Hogwarts? (+300)
NO, NO,
NO! NOOOOO. You may NOT have your own room. We don’t CARE what the reasons are—YOU
WILL LIVE IN YOUR DORM, DAMMIT!!
Look. If Harry Potter,
Savior of the Wizarding World, and Draco Malfoy, self-proclaimed richest Wizard
in England can’t wrangle their own rooms, your character can’t either. That would be blatant favoritism on the
part of the staff, and as such, it’s not going to happen. If nothing else, someone could probably
get fired over it. So stop it. You’re not that special, and neither is
your character.
12.
Does your character have a pet?
(+50)
This one is no
big deal—a lot of Hogwarts students have pets. However, a lot of them don’t. This is just a harmless angle that may be twisted to call attention
to the character. Again. And if it’s named after your own pet,
it becomes a pet-insertion, which is generally seen in tandem with a
self-insertion. And the letter
said “A cat, AN owl, OR A toad.”
That “a” is singular. That
“or” is not an “and.” You may not
have multiple pets.
13.
If a student, is the pet not
one of the four animals seen at Hogwarts in the HP books (owl, cat, rat, or
toad)? (+50)
Now you’re
getting into the danger zone. Only
three pets are specifically mentioned as being allowed at Hogwarts, and we must
make an exception for rats, since Ron had one for three years. But other than that, it hasn’t been
established that anything else is allowed. For whatever reason, that raven bit in particular is so
overdone by Sues it’s sickening.
Let’s quote that raven—NEVERMORE!
Don’t do it. By giving your
character one of these, you are yet again calling attention to how unique she
is.
14.
Is the pet a magical beast, rather
than the especially intelligent variety of mundane animals that seem to
populate the wizarding world? (+100)
Same as
before, only worse. Now, we know
that no magical beasts are allowed as pets at Hogwarts—probably because a great
many of them are quite dangerous.
That dragon, for example—we have no idea why so many Sues seem to think
they’re cute and cuddly. It’s not
like they’re bears. And the whole
phoenix thing? They’re given XXXX
in FBaWtFT because they are that hard to domesticate. If it were easy, you’d see a lot more
of them. Plus, we all know it’s
just a way to steal more glory from poor Dumbledore. And on the last point…it’s not canon! You may not have a pet from WarCraft,
nor may you have a pet from Lord of the Rings! It doesn’t work.
And in giving your character one, it becomes nothing more than a vehicle
for all the canon characters to ooh and ahh over how cool and unique
your character is. In reality,
it’s just another violation of canon.
15.
Do you often attribute special human
qualities or intelligence to your character’s pet? (+50)
This is just
irritating. Despite what we’d all like
to think, particularly about our own pets, they are still animals! We can anthropomorphize all day long
about our own pets when no one is around to listen to it, but doing it at
people all the time is enough to drive a body insane. For the sake of your reader, don’t do this—it’s annoying as
hell.
16.
Can your character’s pet speak, or
can your character’s pet understand everything the characters tell it? (+100)
Come on,
guys. Animals can’t speak. There can be an allowance if the pet is
a snake and the character is a Parselmouth, but that in and of itself has
stretched or violated canon in some capacity and is scored elsewhere on this
test. Yes, the canon characters
talk to their pets, but they only do it in the most basic sense of the
word—they don’t carry on conversations with them. This one generally turns into a sugarcoated sap-fest, where
we have to watch interactions between the character and her pet, usually
riddled with lame jokes and whatnot, and it drives the reader to
distraction. As a rule, never do
this.
17.
Does your character own any sort of
magical object that, while established canon, is very rare, difficult to make,
and/or unusual? (+100)
While there are
rare and unusual canon objects in the HP universe, it’s doubtful your
character’s going to have them just lying around. Your character isn’t going to own her very own pensieve or
her very own Goblet of Fire. Even
more unlikely is if she could make it herself. Don’t give your character things like this. Give her an owl, a set of school robes,
a wand, and some books. Don’t give
her pensieves, magic mirrors, and portkeys.
18.
Does your character own any sort of
magical object that is rare, unusual, or unheard of and NOT established canon
(magical weapons, tiaras, mirrors, silverware, etc.)? (+200)
Here we go
again, people. Random ways to make
your character so unique, and a way for her to undoubtedly come to the rescue
and save the day. And, yet again,
a plot device used by countless other Sues out there, especially the magic
amulet angle. It isn’t original,
it isn’t clever, and it isn’t legitimate.
Just avoid it.
19.
Does your character possess unusual
variants on “mundane” HP paraphernalia (silk school robes, a broomstick she
designed and made herself, etc.)? (+100)
Just as
before—more unnecessary bits to show how unique and cool your character is—just
like every other Sue. And it’s
been established that NOTHING is faster than the Firebolt series. That is just a way to somehow outdo
poor Harry.
20.
Does your character own any sort of
weapon(s), (sword, dagger, gun, peashooter, etc.) (+100)
“I am Sue,
here me roar!!!” This one does
nothing but scream that very loudly. This is not canon, nor is this The Matrix. It’s HARRY POTTER. And, as such, this idea is
ridiculous. Oriental weapons like
katanas and throwing stars are used by Sues far more than is healthy, and those
ceremonial knives and razors are usually present in the dramatic cutting
sessions in which angsty characters indulge themselves. Moreover, your character is not going
to be allowed to bring her katana to Potions class! And if Snape insults her and she jumps up in full
battle-stance and threatens him with it, she’s going to be expelled—after Snape
coolly draws his wand and destroys her spiffy katana and blasts her out the
window. Note: never bring a sword
to a Wizard’s Duel.
21. Does your character possess any enchanted Muggle objects? (+50)
This one’s not
so big, but just watch it. Muggle
technology really has no place at Hogwarts—it goes haywire. Granted, magic can be used to replace
electricity and circumvent this problem, but it is also against the law to do
so. And having the character
enchant them herself is another way for the character to be so cool and unique. Again, while this one isn’t too big on
points by itself, it can stack up with the others like it and Sue you in a
heartbeat.
Oh, and only
Sirius had a flying motorcycle—if your character has one, it’s character
theft. Don’t let your character
have one of those.
22.
Does everyone think that your
character’s possessions/pets are so cool? (+100)
See Question
#18, Section #1.
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