Section Two
I am: Perfect Female, searching for: Slobbering Male.
The Appearance of Your Character
This section is highly
dangerous, purely in the sense that nearly all things included here are as Mary
Sue as you can get. More likely
than not, you will immediately start out with at least 25 points. If you are a first time writer, please
don’t get fussy if you score high.
It is perfectly natural to make your character like what is described
here. It just happens because, just
like every other writer in the world, you’re young and stupid and want to get
old and smart to write excellent fan fiction. Don’t worry.
Every person who’s even considered writing has at least thought one of
these up. Including us. *blush and hide faces*
1.
Is the character the same sex as
you? (+25)
Not that severe, because quite
often you just write better with your own sex. It is perfectly understandable, because you understand what
a female is thinking or going through if you are a female. Girls understand how awful PMS is. And the guys know why they go crazy
when the “headlights” come walking by.
It’s normal. However, it is
also much easier to write up a Sue if it is the same gender as you are.
2.
Is she stunningly beautiful if a woman,
dashingly handsome if a man? (+200)
I think this is
self-explanatory. If not, well,
people just don’t like it when the absolutely beautiful woman walks in, drawing
the eye of every single male in the room or when Fabio walks in and all the
girls (including Hermione) start giggling and whispering. If nothing else, just think about how
annoying Fleur Delacour was in GoF.
It isn’t natural in any way whatsoever, so be very discriminating when
giving your character unnaturally good looks—the key world there is
“unnatural.” There just aren’t that
many people out there who are that good-looking.
3.
Is the character’s hair an unnatural
color? (+100)
Blonde, brunette,
redhead—Cypher put it perfectly.
Stick to normal colors, peeps—no one has purple hair. Unless, of course, they dyed it—and
that’s counts here, too, because it is the most common thing the Goth Sues do,
always dying their hair red or green or blue or orange or puce. This is nothing more than calling
attention to your character and once again hammering it into your readers that
she is so unusual and special.
And, once again, it’s a big no-no.
4.
Is it often described and mentioned
in overly elaborate detail? (+100)
Yeah, okay, we get it, her hair
falls in gorgeous locks of flowing gold, or, in the fashion of most of the Goths,
her raven black hair with perfect emerald green streaks flows beautifully down
her muscular back. That in itself
is annoying. Stop constantly
reminding us. And Sue authors use
the phrase “raven black” more often than anything out there—and we mean that. Call your character’s hair black, but
NEVER describe it as “raven black.”
5.
Is it always perfect? (+100)
Come on, people—seriously. No one’s hair is always
perfect. That includes fictional
people. It may always look nice
and well groomed, but not perfect.
And even if it does always look nice, we don’t always want to hear about
it, okay?
6.
Are her eyes an unnatural color?
(+100)
Much like in question 4—stick
to real colors. No one has purple
or red eyes, either—except about 75% of all Sues out there. Brown and blue are the usual, with the
occasional green, gray, or very dark brown—and even those are rarely
“strikingly vivid.” And the
black-eyed Sues are becoming more and more common every day. Don’t let’s be silly.
7.
Do they change color and/or glow?
(+300)
This should be obvious. It’s one thing for a person’s eyes to
look a bit differently colored when they wear a certain color shirt or
something—it’s another thing all together when their eyes change from blue to
green to fuchsia to violet to yellow to black to suit their moods. The first is quite common. The second is ridiculous. And in relation to the bonus, people
often take the phrase “eyes glowing with rage” literally and have all sorts of
magic happen, with the character’s eyes flashing red, or turning black or
glowing green. That’s nonsense.
And yes, we know Voldemort’s
eyes do that. But you know
what? It happened because he’s
EVIL!! He put his soul in the
blender and hit frappé! Canon
indicates that his creepy appearance—eyes included—was a side effect.
8.
Does your character have slitted
pupils, i.e., cat’s or snake’s eyes? (+200)
Come on, guys. Do you know anybody with slit
pupils? We thought not. And while it is canon to have them,
only one person does. That’s
Voldemort. And no, he was not born
with them, therefore would not pass them onto any offspring. And no, you may not avoid this question
if it is part of your character’s species.
9.
Are they often described in overly
elaborate detail? (+100)
Again, much as previously
described. We don’t always want to
hear about “her flashing violet eyes.”
Honestly—when someone talks to a person, do they really notice and think
about stuff like that? We probably
couldn’t tell you the eye color of some of our best friends, much less people
we’ve just met. We will confess to
noticing someone of unusual eye color, but for the color only—not “the limpid
quality of their gaze,” and we’ve already addressed unusual eye color in
question 6. And if people are
afraid of your characters EYES…that’s stupid. And don’t plagiarize the Harry Potter books. HARRY’S eyes are important. Your character’s eyes should be normal
organs used for looking at things.
10.
Can she give “death glares” that
would put fear in even Voldemort’s cold black heart? (+100)
This one is another one of
those points that are necessary to cover due to self-insertion issues. Everyone wants to be able to wither
someone with a glance. But, let’s
face it—very few people can. That
ability has more to do with a personal acquaintance with the person,
anyway—knowing from the way they look that they are very angry, and knowing
what that entails. Virtually no
one can walk up to a perfect stranger and melt them with just a look! And the “dangerously flashing eyes” are
perhaps the most overused phrase in the Sue community, meaning they are also
the most ANNOYING. Avoid it at all
costs.
11.
Is her body perfect? (+100)
Okay, this one is another one
of those obvious self-insertion issues.
Yes, we all want to have perfect bodies. No, we all do not.
Perfect is a relative term, anyway, so just don’t do it, okay?
12.
Is it often described as slender and
well shaped? (+25)
This is the least offensive of
the next few questions relating to your characters figure. If your character is simply nicely
shaped, it’s no biggie. A lot of
people are like that. And it is
also feasible that someone may think that about another person. But don’t CONSTANTLY use that phrase.
That was the key word—“often.”
Preliminary description, fine.
Every other sentence…no.
And describing skin tone is one thing, but using flowery adjectives is
another. “Pale,” “dark,” and other
words like that are fine.
13. Is it often described as sexy and curvy? (+50)
Now you’re getting into the
danger zone. Everyone wants to be
sexy and to have the absolutely PERFECT hourglass figure, but there are very few
people who are actually like that, and the only people who would describe
someone like that are perhaps well-educated yet overly hormonal boys. Meaning…no one. Don’t use this one a lot.
14.
Is it often described as voluptuous
and sensuous? (+100)
This one is used in dramatic
harlequin romance novels, complete with heaving, alabaster bosoms. Meaning you should NOT use it in your
fiction. Unless, of course, that’s
what you’re aiming for. Either
way, no one thinks that phrase about someone when they see them. At the most, they will think the
previous question: “She’s sexy.”
This one should be avoided.
15.
Is it often described as anorexic or
underfed? (+150)
This is simply an angst angle
for your character. Everyone
always notices how underfed and weak she is, and how she’s so skinny and
unhealthy and they all worry about her blah blah blah. It gets old after a while. Besides, if it was noticed that a
person at Hogwarts was anorexic, they would be sent to Madam Pomfrey
immediately. It’s a boarding
school, and the Heads of House take very good care of those they are
responsible for.
16.
Is it often described as shocking?
(+200)
The whole SHOCKING appearance
is used by Sues to avoid the taboo incredibly gorgeous bit, but still find ways
to make the canon characters stare at her. This description is usually used whenever a character has
piercings and tattoos and dyed hair or unusual eyes. In other words, it’s simply a way to call attention to your
character to have everyone be so SHOCKED to see so many tattoos, or so much
skin, or so much metal, or such strange clothes. It’s irritating.
Not to mention that sort of thing is NOT ALLOWED AT HOGWARTS. Hogwarts has a VERY strict dress code,
and, as it is a BOARDING SCHOOL, your character would not get away with going
to class like that, whether she is a student or a teacher.
17.
Is it often described as
irresistible? (+300)
This one is much like the
constant mentioning of hair or eyes—only worse. People don’t always notice and describe others like
that! The closest anyone can get
to that is some sex-charged guy thinking to himself, “Dude—she’s hot!” And even that is annoying when everyone
thinks it. You may want to be
described like that in everyday life, but whether you really are or just want
to be that good looking, it’s not going to happen. And therefore, it’s not going to happen in fanfic,
either.
18.
Do you often describe what the
character is wearing? (+50)
Okay, now this is just
annoying. Description is a good
thing, but only in moderation! We
don’t always want to know what your character is wearing, okay! It only makes her seem shallow and
valley girl-ish. It really has no
bearing on the plot, anyway.
The discussing of brand names happens quite often due to the fact that
the author thinks those clothes are cool or superior—this is
self-insertion. Having the
character wear unusual clothes that don’t really fit into the scene she is in
(i.e., wearing Muggle clothes to Hogwarts classes, where it is clearly stated
that all wear uniform robes) is purely a device to call attention to your
character and is most irritating.
Wearing great and elaborate robes and cloaks and dresses is ridiculous
as well—for one, there isn’t anything like that in the HP universe. And wearing Goth and punk clothes is
much like this, only worse. Not
only that, but it is a vehicle to show what a “rebel” your character is, when
all it really does is make your character look rather foolish. And wearing slutty clothes is in the
same venue as having and often describing her perfect body—it calls attention
to it, mostly because we all wish we could get away with wearing stuff like
that.
19.
Does your character have tattoos
and/or excessive body piercing? (+50)
This is yet another common Sue
detail to make her character rebellious and unique—just like all the other
millions of Sues out there. And if
you simply must make a character with all that garbage on them, please don’t
describe every piercing and tattoo and brand she has, mostly because no one
cares and knows you’re simply emphasizing how special your character is—again.
20.
Does your character have scars?
(+50)
Scars are generally used by the
Sue to bemoan his/her dark, terrible past and the suffering he/she was forced
to endure. Or they are used to
show how fierce and warrior-esque the character is, and how we should fear
him/her. Readers hate this. And it’s overdone. And the whole self-inflicted
thing? It’s been our experience
that writers who create a character with self-inflicted scars have
self-inflicted scars of their own.
As such, this makes it a self-insertion point and should be
avoided.
21.
Do you describe appendages with a
lot of elaborate and unnecessary detail (long, silky, curving legs; dexterous,
pale and trembling fingers)? (+50)
Once again—no one notices stuff
like that, no one constantly tries to describe it with bad poetry, and no one
cares. And we especially don’t
want to hear about your kinky sex fantasies with a fictional character.
22.
Do all the canon characters think
that your character’s appearance/clothes are so cool or so shocking, or that
the character is so hot? (+100)
See Question #18, Section #1.
23.
Do you often insert asides from
canon characters admiring/worrying about your character’s appearance? (+100)
This is absolutely
infuriating. Bad enough that
you’ve made all the canon characters think that your character is just wonderful
or just tortured, but to constantly insert asides from their POV about
how great or awful your character looks is enough to drive a reader to
distraction. This is done by every
Mary Sue out there, and is just a cheap self-insertion point, not to mention a
dried out method of pounding your readers over the head with the fact that your
character is absolutely gorgeous, or how they’re so worried about how
thin/scarred/scared/shy/ugly she is. Just don’t do this—it’s a bad angle, and
it’s usually bad writing.
24.
Is her accent/nationality something
other than British? (+100)
This one is a
double-whammy—another way to call attention to the character, and quite often a
way to insert oneself into the fic by making the character the same nationality
as the author. This is the main
reason American characters are so dangerous—Harry Potter has a very large fan
base in the U.S., so it’s citizens churn out a whole slew of fanfics, and by
default produce a whole slew of Sues.
So, just—don’t.
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